Hello from my writing desk.
I am writing to you from my little refurbished secretary desk I bought off Facebook Marketplace five years ago. To be honest, it’s not very comfortable and creaks a lot. Up until recently, it’s been more of a storage piece. But I’m writing a book and I need a home base for thoughts, ideas, words, and one-liners. I type words on an open Google doc in-between homeschooling, homemaking, and holding down the fort. I scribble down ideas on a little notepad next to the laptop. Sometimes I need to physically write the words and doodle hearts until more words fall out.
Life at Harbor House
Upon moving into our Florida home, I coined a nickname for our sunshine state residence- Harbor House. We live a short drive from my favorite beach in the whole world. And after a really stressful season of life, coming home to a safe harbor was what my soul needed. I spent 10 years living life in the high desert of Albuquerque, New Mexico- the land of enchantment. I miss the hot air balloons. I miss the smell of October. I miss my best friend. But life is really good at Harbor House. I am a beach bum through and through. Life around here lately:
wake up from weird dreams induced by migraine magnesium pills
stumble into the kitchen like Dolly and pour myself a cuppa
give everyone and everything to Jesus
fry bacon
keep the peace
read the word (we are going through the gospels)
sweep the crumbs, water the garden, teach a lesson, clean a mess
load up the kids and run away to the beach (the water is finally nice)
Life on Mars (or Venus, Rather)
Between writing a book, frying bacon, and folding so much laundry, I’ve been thinking- a lot. I’ve been peeling away at layers regarding expressions of faith, church culture, and the like. For me, this onion has many layers because I grew up on the Pentecostal front row pew. I feel like a church misfit right now. I am an anxious first time guest. It’s unknown territory. It feels like life on Mars, or Venus rather. Because aren’t women from Venus? Anyway, the peeling hasn’t been pleasant, but necessary. And now I’m getting used to life on Venus. Actually, I kind of like it. I feel undone in all the right ways. I know Jesus loves me. I know I love my family dearly and they love me, too. I know my husband and I will spend the entire summer making the best memories for our children. And I know I will write that book, hopefully at a more comfortable desk, soon!
God in Liturgy & Languages
I know God is real and He goes before me. I know the Holy Spirit still speaks today, especially in clouds. I know Jesus died for me. I know the word of God is true. And what if that’s all I’m certain of? There is a lot I don’t know. Lately I have questioned everyone and everything except the Lord himself. Which is a weird place to be, by the way. For many years I only questioned God. My faith is stronger than ever, but now I have different questions. I don’t know what the sacred or secular landscape will look like in ten years, but I do know that my kids will need a faith without fog machines and a Holy Spirit without hype. I did not grow up with liturgy on Sundays, rather languages in tongues. A few weeks ago, we attended a liturgical service. I cried. Singing hymns felt like docking my boat in a safe harbor. I heard echoes of my grandmother singing along with me. Where have all the good hymns gone? I don’t have a lion inside of my lungs. I am tired. I just want Jesus. “God is in this church,” I whispered to myself. *Insert The Office reference here* God is in liturgy. God is in languages. Where am I with it all? On Venus, I suppose.
Introductions, Invitations, & Inching Along
I am a homeschool mom, writer, speaker, singer-songwriter, thrifter of cool things, lifter of heavy things, and total beach bum. I know some things, I don’t know a lot of things. I believe the revival I seek won’t be found at the altar, rather it will break out around the dinner table. Because I know that motherhood is ministry and home is Holy Ground. I know my most influential platform is the sacred square footage I call home. I know I am supposed to write what the Lord gives me- hopefully to encourage you in the race of faith.
You’re invited to run with me on a race that feels more like “inching along,” these days. A race of faith that includes writing a book, frying the bacon, and running away to the beach. A race that will require me to peel as many onions as it takes (with however many tears I have to cry) to do right by my kids so they grow up with a faith secure in a world so shaky.
You’re not alone in the questioning. Ask, seek, knock…you will find Him. And when you do, whether in unfamiliar liturgy or unknown languages, you will find out that He is so much better than you ever imagined. He is God with us!
With Love,
Audra
After my mental health diagnosis I think those are really the only things I believe too. Jesus is precious in our times of, what can feel like a “deconstruction” of sorts. I am tired. I just want Jesus, desperately —for myself and my daughter. Beautifully said.
Yes, keep connecting with "God with us." He will carry you through, rejoicing over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17) I didn't grow up with liturgy either, but I also find it rich and comforting now.