"I didn't pray for a really long time," I sighed to my friend with a sharp look ahead and sinking feet beneath me.
Prying our feet out from the quicksand pulling at our toes, we slowly made our way back up to the dry powder white path- solid, sandy ground. We picked up our pace as the sun plunged into the choppy Gulf waters, casting an orange glow overhead in the cloudless sky.
I explained my prayer life in the desert- the valley of the shadow of death full of questions that pulled me under like quicksand.
I was really mad at God and I didn't want to pray. Because if He didn't answer my life and death prayer, well, what good was prayer anymore?
Someone she knew needed advice I could give.
I thought back to the dark days- the grief.
Death is a door to door salesman soliciting horrific heartbreak. The bell rings; the dinner stops. His sales pitch is a gut punch you didn’t brace for, his parting gift is a bill you cannot pay, and all at once the floor becomes quicksand beneath your feet. Why did he have to ruin the nice family dinner?
"God created our emotions. He can certainly handle them all," I continued with resolve.
As the sky darkened to a deep blue hue, we chatted about complex trauma- the way our brains process it and how God helps us through it.
My best advice for someone who is going through the unthinkable? Tell God how you feel. And then get counseling. And then keep telling God how you feel each day. If you can't pray, just tell Him how you feel. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you process the pain- He is the counselor after all.
When we face the darkest days of our lives, God is holding us. And He holds us even when we are mad at Him. He's good like that, to love us through it all and welcome our anger with arms wide open.
And then one day we will pray again. We will worship again. We will dance again. We will sing again. Anger will subside, and then, yes, we will feel joy again.
And then one day we will walk in the sand, gaze at the sunset, and tell of His great faithfulness and everlasting love.
One day at a time. One step at a time. God is holding you through it all, dear one.
You don’t have to suppress pain to pray. You don’t have to sweep sorrow under the rug to worship. You don’t have to hide your hurt from God. You can take every doubt and disappointment directly to the living God who sees and hears you.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:8
Dear reader, I wish we could walk on the beach together now. There’s something so soothing about the roar of the ocean waves and the salt air filling tired lungs. If we could walk together on the sand beneath the orange sunset where sailboats play, I would tell you what I told my friend that evening:
I didn’t pray for a really long time. But now I pray continually. Because God is good when life is not. When the miracle did not manifest, I still had manna in the wilderness. In the valley of the shadow of death, His rod and staff gave me great rest. And He is close, so very close, to the brokenhearted.
The Heavenly Father is close to you, dear one. Take heart.
With Love,
Audra
In case you missed it…
Oh my! This latest one hit me hard! I have been feeling that way for some time now. It started when I had shingles, then I got horrific side effects from that, it’s been going on for almost 6 months. It’s called postherpetic neuralgia, persistent nerve pain on the affected part of the body. Mine is on my left side of my head down toward and up to my left eyelid. I found out that it could last for 6 months, a year or forever!
I begged God to take this scourge away for me every single day. Then I find out I have slight memory loss from the combination of Covid and shingles. The shingles affected my memory due to nerve damage. Again, I begged God to heal me from this curse……nothing…i don’t even feel His presence, or Hear His voice. It’s like my anger toward Him ended up in dryness and wilderness.
Your writing on prayer and pain gave me hope and a spark of joy!
Thank you Audra ❤️
Ginny